Christmas Eve 2024, I Still Dream...

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope that your morning finds you with everything you hope for.

For many years I usually spent a part of Christmas Eve reflecting and then writing on the past year and my family, and for the last couple of years that has not been possible.

If you are familiar with my story you will probably understand, if you do not, I'm not going to retell it here, just let you know that I have already in my journals on my website and you are free to seek that understanding there if you wish.

As a father, I always looked forward to tomorrow morning as a day that all of the trials and hardships throughout the year could be forgotten and find appreciation in all of the good things that are, good.

2 years ago that all changed. For over a year after that I lost myself in a place I can't even begin to explain, nor should I. Many times it came real close to being possible that I wouldn't even be here to explain any of this. Physically, emotionally. Time does not heal all wounds. Only recently this last summer I was able to start thinking about things that I love doing, and even then it has been difficult but I have to look at every movement forward as still, movement forward.

I can't focus the way I used to for long, and the thing that keeps me picking myself back up it's just a small hope that at least one day my son will at least know me for what I've done. I'm still in that cage I've talked about, and still guarding what has always been behind me. I've had things stolen from me that I just can't get back. I can't expect anybody to understand, nor am I asking anyone to because they aren't me, they haven't been to places I've been, seen the things that I have, or done the things that I have.

I dare not even speak of the things I hope for, because somehow I've been led to believe that anything that I ask for is always going to be kept just out of reach. The best I can do is just try to do what I do and that's going to have to be good enough. I still have nightmares more often than not, and the only thing that has changed, is that I expect them. I have to do what I think is right, and that's not going to change. It's hard when you can't breathe, or you feel so weak you can't even eat. I just have to slow down and make time stop so I can get through.

So on this night, I've spent a majority of it speaking into the dark to my son, telling him that I hope he can somehow know that I'm still here, and we didn't deserve what happened. I said with as much happiness as I can muster, all of the things that I am still trying to do, and even though they are hard, and slow, I'm still trying. I've come a long way from the place I fell into a year and a half ago. I still have climbing to do. Time waits for no one.

So Talon, Daddy loves you very much and always will. That can't be taken away from us, and it never will. I love you.