Darker Realizations 04/22
Just pacing today. I've been doing so much this last week I kind of forgot to eat and sleep a whole lot along the way, but you have to understand that clocks, calendars, and the light outside doesn't seem to have any bearing on where I'm at.
I'm exhausted. I tried, really I did after my trip last week to divert some of this into something proactive, and at its root it's still the same thing. I'm trying anything and everything I can to reach out and be able to talk and hold my son. Just like prior to this mess, my whole day was devoted to moving forward and doing whatever it took to keep my family together.
Somebody contacted me and said his mother and her wallet John could be open to allowing me to talk to my son. I wanted to get excited, really I did but you know after I finish with what I have to say you'll understand why I was reluctant to have any hope. You simply do not get between a parent and their child.
After I had a few things explained to me, I could see right through the reasoning behind them reaching out to them. It wasn't because Diane has any desire for me to have a relationship with my son- If you look through everything and the way they have done things, it's all self preservation. Nothing more.
Since I started writing about my situation, most of it was to get things off of my chest that I have been hiding for so long, I just couldn't take it anymore. Then when Diane hung up that one day and there has been zero contact, I have been in nothing but a panic mode hellscape. The ache in my heart just does not go away. I already explained how it happened, I'm not going to rewrite all of that it's already too painful just thinking about it because I relive it everyday. You can read up on that anytime you want. it's public.
And because I went public with it, and with the sole intention of just hoping on the slight chance that someone might see my son, or send him a letter and somehow he might be able to read it I had to take that small chance and let people know how to contact him. I already know his mother has him so locked down and possibly alienated towards me the chances of him being able to contact me on his own are probably nill. The guy she is with is probably even worse. I know the type. Because of what I have been doing this last week and also another project that is also aimed towards this to try to proactively divert some energy towards something I felt would be helpful to my situation and maybe others, I haven't been on my journal site.
Last week after posting some of that within a day or so there was over 12k people who visited the site and started commenting on some of the entries, especially the one regarding what Diane did in this case. There was a lot of positive response and well-meaning support from people that honestly, did make things a little bit better for me because I realize there were other people that understood and that I really wasn't alone to some degree in this. Other comments, not so much. I knew there were some people out there that would probably either view it as negative or just have some outright mean or vile things to say. that's the way humans work and I understand that. Some of them got outright graphic and well, I just did my best to let it go.
Going back and checking on it this weekend, there is over 20k. That doesn't include all of the other social media sites. I'm getting ready to launch the other project and that has every probability of tens of thousands and maybe even more just because of its theme and the exposure that it will be getting in the various groups and organizations that the press release is going to.
Previously I had been contacted by a few people actually local to the area down there and they reached out and offered support if I needed to be in the area. I also had others claiming to be private investigators and other people in the industry that is supposed to support situations like this. I expected advertisement, all of the groups for this sort of thing are rife with people wanting to make a buck.
I started getting information sent to me, some of it that I already had through my own private investigation and personal work, but also started getting information I didn't have. A lot of it. Scary amounts of it. I'm not going to go into details but for the conspiracy theorist’s out there I can truly say that there isn't any piece of information about you that somebody can't find if they put the effort into it. I don't know whether it was intended on being positive or negative but I also had people sending me information on me as well. My own social security number, my bank account numbers, driver's license numbers, vehicle registrations, places that I've lived, name it. I just told myself that they were just trying to demonstrate their ability to dig up information. I would have simply told them up front that I believe them and even a few of them I thought about contacting. I think they were just trying to demonstrate their abilities.
I guess I can say in both a positive and negative way that nothing we have about our lives is truly under lock and key. I guess in my case if I had to hunt my son down again because of Diane's ability to hop between multiple owned homes at the drop of a hat I'm confident enough that somebody could easily find them. I'm not paranoid about my information being out there, I've always been a come at me bro type.
The person Diane and Co contacted told me that they were told that there have been death threats, and even something as ludicrous as going after someone's mom. Of course they were blaming this on me and even saying that I was the one making them.. It threw me in a fit on yet another level on top of everything that I'm feeling and going through, and I had a hard time saying what I needed to say to this person. I don't know how much of this I can take. I'm sure in some way shape or form all of that stuff is traceable, and I can bet bottoms to dollar that some of those people that were commenting or had something to say and possibly even other people close to this situation that know what's going on could be responsible.
And you know what? My conscience is clean. I don't condone anything like that, And I've even made comments throughout my life about beating the shit out of somebody in the heat of a moment, etc. I think we all have been at that point one time or another. My heart and angry side spoke up a little bit and I am embarrassed. I found myself saying for a minute or two that maybe that's just karma coming back, irony, whatever. I'm not in a good state of mind dealing with the situation and how I Diane did things, I'm trying to do everything I can the right way because I'm tired of being this monster that she created for her narrative to get what she wants. I've come to a lot of realizations about how she really is, and it took other opinion and professional help to see those things. I wouldn't have been able to and I haven't been able to this whole time to do it on my own. Maybe this is the world telling them they stirred up a hornet's nest themselves. I don't know. I don't care either. Not anymore.
So I spent almost all of the evening composing a letter to pass off to them and it took so much of my mental energy by blacked out and passed out for a few hours and I suppose got some needed sleep. I sent it off to them via text message before doing so, and when I did wake up this morning I kind of expected to see a message or even get a phone call. Nothing. All day. It dawned on me that the reason they reached out was for self-preservation, it has nothing to do with Talon, it has nothing to do with me. The part of me that is allowing myself to be a little vindictive here is just saying good, let them worry about things and go through a little bit of hell that they put me through. I'm normally not like that, and everybody that knows me knows this as well. But here I am sitting here with a pain in my chest that won't go away, constantly wondering what my son is doing and worrying about him not even caring anymore. Diane and Co will shower him with Christmas everyday, and probably have been this whole time. Diane measures happiness with things, her whole family does and some of our arguments about our son involved exactly that and my worries about that kind of value being instilled in him.
The only time she puts any effort into arguing is only trying to say that that's not true, but you can look at her eyes and tell. You don't spend 20 years with somebody without getting to know them. She even said it herself through momentary slips and just plain statements about her constantly being barraged in Hawaii by her family for not having things, wanting things, wanting to enjoy the better things in life that money can provide in so many words. Hell, she even said at one time that the idiot she's with now going back to the first time he was just a means to an end. and now the result of needing to do something, anything because there wasn't anything for them in Hawaii. It makes me laugh a little bit because the guy bought it. Literally.
So the ugliness of all of this smack me right into the face earlier this afternoon and I haven't been able to stop crying since. What if my son is like that now? What if he believes all of the vile crap that his mom has exposed him to out of context and left everything else out that would prove otherwise? I just feel like absolutely nothing right now. A failure. I couldn't protect him from that, or any of this. All I can do is hope that that's not the case but honestly people, it is so hard for me to pull myself out of that right now. And she knows it. I hope that there if there's any justice in the world, it finds them.
I even had the thought if my health finally catches up with me and all of this. Diane knows what this is doing to me, she already knows what has happened to me medically since this started, and I can't help but to think that that's part of her plan too. She wouldn't have been alienating me for my son for some time the way she has, done the other things behind my back like falsifying his birth certificate, setting me up so that he could hear my reactions to our private conversations about her unfaithfulness and lying. Me dead in the ground, is a perfect solution for her, and everything that I am and wanted to give my son ends up in the trash somewhere.
At a much earlier time someone close to me who is also passed on now loved talking about these ugly what if scenarios. Not mutually exclusive to this situation type, but all manner of reckoning from the way the world can go after the good people in this life. He used the term “Dead Man's switch”. We laughed about it because of the time It was during a movie where it was used. Then it dawned on me. I can make sure that my son sees all of my writing. I can make sure that if I'm gone other people can keep up the good fight and deal with it how they see fit. So I am doing that. Dark as hell? Probably. I didn't like coming to these realizations, but they were imposed on me, I didn't come up with them.
Sitting here feeling like I'm a failure because I cannot figure out what I did or what my son did to deserve this from her and all of the effort that I have put into being a good person and trying to always do what is right hurts even more because I'm scared that it will be for nothing. I can't explain it people, you just don't want to have it happen to you.
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