A Letter to Diane

This is another personal letter going out today. I don't know what to do, nothing makes sense anymore.  And I don't even know if it will be sent to her or thrown away at the door. I have to try anything. 

Read my previous journal entries if anything surprises you or makes you wonder about the hell that we are going through right now... "My Son is Held Hostage By His Mother"

 

Diane,

Do you even realize or care, or have any remorse whatsoever for what you have done to me and yes, what you have done to Talon? It's not your truth, it's not my truth it's THE truth.

You probably won't even be able to finish reading this. I'll bet you'll throw it away, and disregard it like everything else you claim to care about. This is about me, you and our son. All of it. At least, everyone will know that I said these words to you, tried to get you to listen and understand and what you decide to do with them is on you. Read it Diane.

Whatever coping mechanism you use to justify all of these things that you have done along the way, it's going to have its limit eventually. Even if it doesn't affect you anymore it is and will affect our son. Gradually phasing me out as his father and now this is not giving him a better life. It never will be.

You know any arguments that we had specifically revolved around things that you have done and me doing my best to try to understand and help us through it. Nobody out there says that they wouldn't be angry, frustrated and driven practically insane by being treated this way.

I get it, you don't like being constantly reminded that you made mistakes. but God damn it you're supposed to at least feel remorse, try to fix them and not make them again, especially when you promise to do so and you have. Multiple times .And I know I've made mistakes too, But if you are the person that I couldn't even trust to begin with when you begged me to trust you, and I promised you that you could trust me that there wasn't anything that we couldn't face as a challenge, what am I supposed to do? Do you know how long I have had to suffer hearing from people, including your family that I wasn't supposed to trust you? I put everything in my being after looking in your eyes over these years into believing in you and trusting you, and you threw it in my face. You threw it in Talon's face.

I'm having a real hard time not inflicting my anger while I'm writing this, it's hard Diane. Even after all this, I'm still trying to find ways to forgive you. To tell you that it's okay. I finally broke down and needed to tell the world what is happening, not for some sense of revenge or justice serving purpose, It's just because I cannot understand how anybody could do this to us, to me, to Talon. I have found so many ways to try to blame myself for the things that you have done. I can't find any Diane. Just like you, you've probably looked to other people to try to tell you, to somehow find justification for things that you have done. I have to do what I can to make sense of it all. You and Talon are worth nothing less.

A few of the things that you told me early on and consistently throughout these last near 20 years, I still don't have answers for.

You're infidelity defied me, both of your ex-husbands, the internet flings, Seth, and even that 60 plus year old friend of Erica's that you went to visit in Nevada and was taking money from, and who knows who else in between. Who knows how many times you made the promise of I love you, forever, and begged them and me to hold that sacred. I can't speak for anyone else but I did. Completely.

I can only speak for myself how finding out about this stuff made me feel, and desperately wanting to know why, and reaching so deep down into my soul to forgive you because I looked in your eyes when you begged me to forgive you and promised me again and again. Each and every time I found myself saying she would never, she made a mistake, I love her, and I forgive her completely because that is me. And I did. You use my anger and hurt when it comes out in those cases against me and tell people that I make threats, that I'm aggressive, that you are afraid of me. Maybe you should be? I don't think it's a fear of me hurting you or Talon, because you know, and anybody, God included knows that I would never do anything like that. Ever. Maybe I became a constant reminder of your own failures, but the thing that you didn't trust is that I could forgive you, and like you said in your own exact words Diane, you said them:

“Babe, We will be better, I will be better, as long as we have each other we can get through this for us, for us as a family.” 

YOUR OWN WORDS.

You reach out for things that you don't have, things you can't have and probably things that you shouldn't have by the way you choose to get them. Seth is no different. You even said it yourself and you will call it a lie, but you said it plain as day, on paper-

“I don't care about him, he's selfish, and it was over a long time ago.”

The look I saw in your eyes when you said that at Corey and Ambers, and even repeated it in chat, scared me because there was something there that was withheld from you and you were angry at. I don't care why he kicked you to the curb the first time. Maybe I should have.

And now this time, you let it slip out, you said:

“I needed to do something, anything because there was nothing for us in Hawaii.”

I suppose I should laugh at Seth in this case but instead I'm just putting him in the pathetic coward bin buying his way into what makes you tick now. If I know you you probably hide as much of this and a lot of the things that I have sent you, read and shown you and everyone else from him. He either trusts you completely and is an idiot, or simply pathetic enough to take what he can get no matter what the cost because he can always buy another one if it comes down to it. That's not me saying that. That's other people that have known him. Diane, people have never felt it necessary or need to lie about you or him. You start crying and say everyone is against you, that they don't understand you, but they do. Your actions and the things that you have and are willing to do speak for you. Him as well.

Do you know how hard it has been for me to have these people come to me, people that have no emotional investment, just come forward when they find out about the things that you have done to me and Talon, when they have genuine concern for us and want the truth known?

Multiple times you left Talon with your sisters or your mom, and at times when they tried to get a hold of you, literally going over to Seth's apartment and knocking on the door knowing you were there and you not answering? How many times did that happen? They know, they were there. They have no reason to lie about any of this stuff.

Your boss coming forward because she was also a good friend of yours and her, her husband gave you money and took care of you because you lied to them as well, and then when you found out that she came to me and explained everything, she automatically became an enemy of your lies. You brought so many people into this that didn't deserve it. Good people that have no reason to lie about any of this stuff. Good people that saw what was happening to me and Talon and you ran away from them as well.  How can anyone or you blame any of these people for trying to do the right thing and wondering what the hell happened to you? For all my faults Diane one thing I can say without question or hesitation is I have nothing to hide, even my faults and mistakes.

Me reminding you at times that Talon shouldn't spend so much time on a tablet or a computer, knowing full well that him being on that constantly is not good for any child and you getting angry with me for bringing it up, telling me he's fine, it's normal,. It's not. Even lately after I found out about you being there in Texas, him being up on his computer until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning is not what a 13-year-old child should be doing. You have let him do this the whole time, and even in Hawaii everybody says that you pretty much left his computer and tablet as a babysitter so you could do whatever. You know what was supposed to happen? I was supposed to be there too or you were supposed to be here exposing him to the normal things a child in a family is supposed to be exposed to. You saying that he keeps to himself and you let him do what keeps him from being stressed Just simply says that you are letting him deal with things on his own instead of being the parent or at least letting me be the parent that we are supposed to be. You have been telling me for quite some time that he gets stressed all the time and everything like that and you know what?

I'm pretty much figuring that it has been affecting him this whole time seeing you lie and do the things that you do, not understanding, not being given the chance to talk with me about it, and not being given the opportunity to be the child that he is supposed to be is what stresses him out. Not my truth Diane, not your truth it's the truth. Even waking him up at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning to keep up your lie about being in Hawaii still so that I could tuck him into bed at night has got to be one of the most horrible things I can think of. and you know, and anyone else knows that this has got to affect him AND HAS.

I never even heard the term parental alienation until a healthcare professional brought it up to me after looking at everything documented along the way. Do you know how God damn horrified that made me to realize that given all of the evidence this is exactly what you've been doing? Wanting desperately down in my soul to believe that Diane could never be capable of something like this? So many things you have done Diane, that are on paper, things that you cannot hide from or hide from other people are there. This is why you run. This is why you hide. this is why you tried to hide everything from everyone. No matter where you go it's not going to change that.

Right now, the things that I am mad about the most is you set me up the night you hung up and stopped communicating with me and cut me off from him. Him having to call me to authenticate his games was my only way of making sure that I could talk with him everyday. What turned from a parent just wanting to keep tabs on his kid and making sure he didn't get into trouble online turned into something that you made me use because my heart was screaming for time with him and you. It's all I had left. And you knew it. And when I said that you were going to have to call me before he could play again was my last ditch effort to try to get you to come to your senses and quit hiding. What did you do instead? You went to him and told him that I was going to take his games away from him and didn't tell him why. You didn't give me a chance to tell him that I really wouldn't do that and that I was trying to get you to come to your senses. You set me up for that and you know it. You don't want to face any of these realities or truths, but they will catch up with you. The one time that I said in the course of our whole relationship, the whole time Diane, damn you to hell was because you did that and you knew you were doing it.  When me and him were on the phone talking he was crying, and I told him that I wasn't going to take his games away from him but he needs to understand that mom needs to allow us to communicate better if we are going to figure some of this out. You are even doing things to hide the truth from our son. You don't like hearing that? tough. it is the truth. Realization is going to come to him at some time Diane, you can't hide from it, and the best I can do is try to be there for him and explain to him why he shouldn't hate you for it and hope he doesn't.

Diane, when I thought that he was calmed down about his games I told him that I just needed to know how he felt about all of this and he was starting to tell me. I told him we could talk more later and would. He was crying and started crying more when he was saying that he didn't like how you did things, and that you were making him lie to me. He said he was afraid of losing me Diane. You busted into the room right in the middle of that, and I thought I heard Seth saying something in the background and that's why I blew up and said what I did about him “better not say anything or I would bitch slap him” because I would I would bitch slap anyone in a situation like that and I really don't think that there's anyone else out there that wouldn't either. And if somebody wants to hold that against me fine. If they can look me in the face and tell me that they would handle it any different given all of these circumstances that I've been presented with and had to been put through for both me and him, well.

You said that he needed to go to sleep for school, and I said five more minutes because I wanted to make sure that he was going to be okay. It's not up to you to determine for me or him when I am also comfortable with him being okay. No, you saw that as an opportunity to hang up on me and cut us all off. 

You used that against me and you know it, and for all I know you heard what Talon was starting to say and it scared you. Diane, people don't keep records or have good memories for no reason. You made these reasons for us, not me. 

Do you know how stupid it made me feel trusting you? And the misery of it is at the end of it all I still want to. I still want to believe in you. I will take my love for you and Talon to my grave Diane. I am that oak, I am in that meadow that you created, no matter what you do. I didn't have to surrender myself. No matter what it means to anyone else, Me, Talon, and Mali are there and we always will be.

Imagine me trying to process that. you said for a long time that you needed to be there to take care of Mom and you left her when she was sick and needed you the most. That's not me saying that. That's your family saying that.

You made it so easy for me over time to express all emotions to you, because I made a commitment to you completely and trusted you completely. I have tried dealing with some of these things all by myself for so long and most of my pain comes from just wondering why you weren't there when I needed you. You were the one that was supposed to help me understand the mistakes you made and help me forgive you. I have always done nothing less of trying to be there for you in that way and you know it.

No, after all this, I have had to explain our lives, our challenges and our situation to anybody and anyone that will listen in the hopes that some sense and justice will come out of all of this. hundreds Diane, thousands even now. Somebody in this world has to be able to help us if we can't help ourselves. I can't take a chance on anything less. You made me promise with tears in your eyes to be strong and do whatever it took to protect our family, our lives and I am doing that even now. I keep my promises Diane and you know that, even if I fall along the way I get back up and I'm not going to stop getting up.

Call me, message me, and for the love of God let Talon talk with me. It is cruel that you are doing this to us. Please.

I love you and Talon with all my heart, you know that.   -Mahal

Darker Realizations 04/22
Happy Easter Talon, Daddy Loves You...
 

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Saturday, 20 April 2024

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