Forgive me, please, forgive me.
For all of the ways I've failed you,
for every tear I've made you cry,
for every promise I didn’t make come true.
Inside of my head can be an ugly place, decorated with the remains of my regrets, and holds the ambiance of every ghost and fear that I wish I could forget.
Each day you see theres forced fake smiles, the ones that vanish when I look into the mirror. Iv’e tried so hard to be strong for you, shield you from the dark I keep in here.
But in my silence, I forsake you, ofien leaving you all alone, to wonder what it is that you done, or what truth you should have known.
And the truth is that I'm drowning, trying to keep my head above water so you don’t see that I've never forgiven myself for my bad choices, and some days I can’t stand the thought of me.
When we moved to Hawaii, when this all started, I just couldn't pick myself up. Every hardship that the world threw at us chipped away at any confidence I had. I didn't even feel worthy to your family. I've never had to think about being accepted at any time in my life and for the first time back then, it was important to me and I felt like I wasn't. I kept trying though, believe me I really did. I went there and genuinely wanted to develop love for everyone in your family, and in some ways, did. Some of them were different and some of their ways I didn't understand, and yes, even accept. I tried so very hard. I miss your mom all the time, and for the good times anyways your dad, and the other things with him, not so much.
It's an ugly subject but it has bearing. It hurts me to think about it, but I have had to. Your first infidelity left me so devastated and put me into a panic mode that has never gone away. It turned me over time into an angry, jealous, and constantly fearful wreck that I tried so desperately to shake, to forget about. I have never had to deal with anything like that.
The thought of not forgiving you was never an option, and I thought I did. I somehow turned it into something I did wrong and had to make sure that I didn't do again. I had to. It ate at me constantly. It guided everything that I did and I thought I was dealing with it. It became obsession and the Gods know full well I didn't want it to be.
Every hardship or challenge after that, no matter how small became a devastating blow making me more fearful, making me lose more focus, confidence and self-esteem. It was constant panic. Bad dreams, second-guessing everything I did. I tried so many times to talk to you about it but it just ended up in arguments. I wasn't strong in this and I needed you so bad to help me believe again.
The dark circles under my eyes and other health related problems never seemed to go away because I felt like I was constantly sick. It affected everything I tried to do. I started trying to blame it on other things, and in reality it was simply just stress and depression that I couldn't control. I really felt like you just didn't care what I was feeling, and again I wasn't good at bringing the problem with me up because I just didn't know how.
All I know is every night before I went to sleep, at that point it started to feel like when I was hugging you and Talon I wasn't worth it anymore. I longed for it and begged for it and expected it to be there without asking for it and it just wasn't there. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong.
My job there started to feel like I wasn't good enough either. Even though I accelerated myself in the company so fast, I wanted us to move and that wasn't happening fast enough. I kept telling myself one more day and it will happen, one more day and it will happen. People in the company started being negative because they thought I was coming after their job, and add the local versus Haole thing and that made it even more difficult. You know what I'm talking about there because we saw it everyday.
Of course me taking a higher position was going to probably put someone else out of a job, but what was I supposed to do? Not work myself up? Right after Christmas at that time after being with them for a couple of years I got pneumonia, I went to the doctors and did everything I was supposed to do. You know that. The general manager of the store was on the mainland during this time and one of the managers that had that fearful worry of me taking his job away from him pulled my doctor's notice out of my file and threw it away. That was established and proven. He even claimed that I didn't call every day and you know as well as I do that I did religiously, and didn't just leave it as a informal call, I genuinely asked about what was going on in our department and what people were up to. I talked with more than one person. You know as well as I do what I had to go through but phone records and other people coming forward at the company proved that happened, and I still had no job because people came forward too late. I wasn't happy despite them being forced to pay me compensation, I didn't want the compensation I wanted my job back. I also felt though that my job was going to be bad now, with people willing to do that to me because I was working my way up in the company just didn't make me feel like it was going to be stable again. I truly felt that I had people working against me there, and did.
When we started to talking about me going back to the mainland to set up our life for us again, had I thought for a minute that you would just give up on me, I never would have left. I would have rather died a horrible miserable failure shortly after that because that's what it was getting close to. I would have rather, if that ever happened at least you would have been able to look in my eyes and see that I was really trying. I felt like everything there and everyone was against me, and against us. I just wasn't strong enough anymore. It was another hope for being able to fix this for us, take away all of the things that started all of this. At least I would have been able to hug and hold you two which at that point is all I wanted.
While I was in Pennsylvania I felt like I was back to accomplishing something, I knew it wasn't going to happen right away but at least I had what I needed with little distraction. I couldn't wait each day to get back on Skype with you and show you the things I was doing. I wanted to make you two proud and you even said that you were. It was so hard being away from you two, and I did spend a lot of time at the start crying myself to sleep at night because of how much. What kept me going was I knew I was doing this for us and it would be worth it.
I don't know why or what happened at that point but that one day we talked and I felt that I had everything stable enough for you two to come, And you said you didn't want to and I can't even remember all the reasons except you brought your mom into it and that you were afraid. That devastated me again. I went into panic mode again even though it never went away at least it was kept in check by the things I was accomplishing.
I felt betrayed and again, not worth the effort to keep our family together. It's like it wasn't a priority with you anymore, that's exactly how I felt. I couldn't go to sleep at night without feeling that I was being taken out of the picture and every worst case scenario under the sun started giving me bad dreams, racing thoughts and I just couldn't shake it. You know we argued a lot after that. All I know is that I couldn't touch you and Talon, I wanted to hug Talon so bad every night, I wanted to hug you every night, and I couldn't. It hurt, it hurt. I started regretting leaving. I also felt that nothing I was going to do was going to make a difference anymore even though the thought of our family kept me going, that if it wasn't going to be because of my ability, I might just have enough luck.
I never got a break from any of it after that point. My fears and regrets were on my shoulders every minute of every day. And the times me showing you that I was still being happy trying to do things was just me hiding from you how much I hurt and didn't know what I was going to do next.
I figured that If I showed you more, did more, you would believe in me again. At some point I found out that you got a job and I was really happy for that despite being angry that you hid it from me. The only reason I could think of was that you just gave up on me and was going to move on. You said you were doing it for yourself and honestly I didn't have a problem with that. The thing that did hurt so much is that you could have done that all along and in my mind I felt that if you had keeping our family together at heart it was your way of helping us be a family. I didn't know if we were back to working together or just had it in the back of your mind that I was out of the picture. None of it made sense. I felt that you felt that you needed to feel like you could do something for yourself, and there was nothing wrong with that. I just left it to believing in you when you said that you and Talon loved me and that it would find a way to work out. I just had to give it time even though I couldn't stop panicking. I couldn't shake the feeling of the next devastation coming around the corner and within that year it did.
I'm not going to bother going over writing all of that again, it hurts enough as it is because the things that were told to me and that I found out just never stopped hurting me, one thing after another. I already relive it all day, everyday and have ever since. Not one guy but two. You sent me videos and said all sorts of things that said you were sorry and that you were there for me. That Hoobastank video has pretty plain words in it and you have no idea what that meant to me because I felt that was your way of making sure that I knew how you felt. I believed you.
When I came to Hawaii, I needed to do it because I was dying. I was already dead inside and nothing but grief and panic. I felt it if I came there, how you treated me would bring me back to life for the challenges we still had yet to face, but I needed you this time. I spent the week before I came just looking at myself in the mirror and breaking down in tears because I just wasn't me anymore. I tried everything I could to hide it and told myself that if I put a smile on my face, you might see me inside there again.
By the time I got there I was a wreck but put all my belief in you. More things came to light, I found out more bad things, and I was afraid of finding out more, I couldn't help be angry. I tried to let it go, honestly I did but I couldn't. By this time I just had to believe that I could forgive you over time and I started to. Talon even saw us arguing and that hurt me so bad I can't explain it.
I couldn't shake it though, in the back of my mind I just felt not worth it anymore, and hated feeling like I had to just prepare myself for the next thing. I didn't want to leave. I honestly found myself wishing I could die there there so at least you and Talon could hug me one last time and that would settle my soul. I was begging for an afterlife If I couldn't make this one right for us.
When I came back, I really tried. I thought we were just picking up where we went astray, I had hope that I could do it. When I was offered the position down south I took it right away because the money was going to be real good and at least that would be something to not worry about. Getting down there and finding out that the company was being embezzled by the other two partners would have left me with nothing down there. I felt like a failure and taken advantage of again. When I came back up to Pennsylvania the opportunity for the warehouse seemed to be my karma coming back to me least, So I had more hope.
I was still in panic mode all the time, and staying healthy was hard. Every time I talk to you and was happy I was hiding the fact that every time I had to hang up or Skype had to close down it hurts so much because I missed you two and somehow the next thing would just come and take it all away again.
And then Mali died. I had such a hard time picking myself up after that, and tried believing that she had a good life, and that Ii was just her time. Even with that somehow I felt it was my fault. I found myself saying to myself that everything and everyone is just going to go away. But when you said you loved me to me that night that she died kept bringing hope back to me, even a little bit so I just did what I could to believe that she was still there with me, watching over me when I couldn't.
When I started working with the printer company with a lot of focus and starting to make really good money I was proud that I could show you something. I started having money in my accounts like I had with my job when you met me and things started looking really good. I was finally able to start feeling good about myself again, and then the ownership of the building I was in changed to make us leave, and the management with the company changed that has since pretty much destroyed all of the work that I did building the company up. I put so much of my effort into getting myself there both with work and financial investment, I couldn't help but think that this pattern is just payment for something wrong that I've done. I took some time for myself that summer and just existed, I was tired. but at least I had enough in the bank and felt that I just needed this time and could pick back up again.Then the printer company stopped paying their bills and I was pretty much working for free for a little bit. I put a stop to that.
I decided to switch gears and started working with Tomak, We had big things that were already starting to happen and before too long I literally could have had enough financially to just walk to Hawaii and buy a house. I had full control of this, it was going to be returns on the work that I did directly, and I didn't have to worry about trusting Tomak. And then he died.
Last summer was just existing. I knew I could still do other things, and have been able to pretty much just pay the bills and I was happy with that. I needed a break for a while. I knew things were going to get lean close to Christmas and it hurt me because I had really intended on flying there and being there as a surprise, but that didn't happen. It hurt me so bad to have to tell Talon that he had to wait for Christmas. I knew that I just had to wait for spring here so I could set up everything else because the knowledge and experience that I have backing me up now makes the other work with casting and that stuff so much easier now. I had to feel at that point like it just happened that way for the better. I've been able to pay the bills here and make enough, but it got close a couple of times. And then I got Covid. That took me a month of fighting just to pull myself out of it and I don't think I'm still back all the way yet. I can't help it.
There were times when we were talking while I was sick that I thought I was dying because I couldn't breathe and felt like passing out. For about a week there I was just saying sorry over and over again and wishing for you, Talon and Mali and nothing more. When I started getting more returns on the game programming I've been doing I was pretty happy about that because it's both fun and easy. I wasn't planning on making it a primary thing, but intended on keeping doing it because it's just good for bills and pocket money. I've had all new casting equipment, printers and furnaces sitting in my storage just waiting for the spring to happen.
Not once since I have been here has there never been a roof over my head in a house, food on the table, or the bills being paid.
And then we are at where we are right at this moment. I'm still in panic mode and that hasn't stopped, and I'm afraid of having to admit that I just can't do it anymore. I'm afraid of trying anymore.
I can't compete with what you've been offered now. Money and things seem to be the way of the world now. I can't do that. All I know is I miss you and my son and my heart has always been pure.
You can get angry at this, but I feel like I'm just waiting to die now and all I'm hoping for is for things to just go black and be gone like I never existed. I'm only writing some of these things because I'm hoping at some point they mean something to someone and at least maybe they would understand why and how hard I tried. I'm even so messed up right now that I don't even think you would finish reading the rest of this because it's so long.
I've loved you and Talon with all my heart, and always will.