Reflections: Christmas 2015

"Christmas" stopped for me many, many years ago the very first time I found myself upset because I didn't "get what I wanted". Not the concept of not getting "it", it was the moment I realized how bad I felt because for that moment, I blamed others and even myself for not being good or deserving enough. The image of seeing my father's head hung low in response to a small boy's misplaced disappointment is a wound that has never healed yet somehow managed to be kept hidden from view most of the time all these many years.

I've had my "ooh" and "aah" moments in front of the tree, but alone at night watching Selene reach her apex finds me revisiting the lack of reverence we display for the non-material throughout the year and it tears at the soul. My smile at these times is definitely facetious and tactfully displayed as to not ruin the moment the best I can, but behind it lies a broken heart no material thing could ever supplant. My father is long gone, as is my mother, and one day my bones will see time pass into oblivion too- no one out there can measure another with any grace or right, and shallow be the spirit that defines worth by material means.

All I want? My world is measured by the tightness of a small child's hand around my finger, the reflection of my world in my woman's eyes, and even a subtle woof of a wolf-daughter's passing into slumber at my feet. Nothing more. Reflect at times people, reflect. Look at what you choose to place on a scale and find the real worth of your mortality, and how it defines you, and carry it with you all year, not just on a given day. 2 years, and even 2 minutes, they can be the same. -Fen